I had a very spiritually intensive summer last year, I was very heavily and rapidly consuming lectures and whatever else from Vimarsha Foundation. Or just thinking about God more generally, I listened to lectures well into Fall.

I was working third shift 7pm to 7am, and my job is more of a “I’m called if needed” situation. So I could go all night without a job or at least part of it.

I remember going up on the roof, on some of those cool September nights listening to the Devi Mahatmya series.

There was a lot of change. I was waiting to start my new job… Since my previous employer looked to be closing that location in the next couple of years. I basically left so less senior people wouldn’t get laid off. It was easier for me to get a job after 16 years of doing this than it would be for them.

I put the spiritual stuff on pause for a bit because I was a lot to take in, and I didn’t want to spread myself too thin.

I was readjusting my life, to a new State(I live in the USA) and new faces. And somewhere along the way I got the notion that all this religion was getting in the way of living. That the real religion is the higher values like love and beauty. That you could access them through art and expression more generally. Through our collective humanity.

There was probably some truth to that concept. But I’ve sort of come to realize that method is like having a map at night and no compass. With no North Star or direction to guide you. You do a lot of moving around and not a lot of getting anywhere fast.

It’s not time wasted. I definitely learned a lot by my little sabbatical. And I didn’t truly escape religion… I found myself slowly drifting into consuming more dharma content. Mainly from the Ramakrishna Mission and Thich Nhat Hanh’s Plum Village. Me being in a weird headspace made me listen to some interesting ideas I might not have otherwise.

I guess for me at a certain point, I almost had my own version of Arjuna’s dilemma in the Gita. He didn’t want to do his duty, and wanted to step away from the world. I felt like I wasn’t doing my duty, that I had stepped out of the world and I’m supposed to get back in it.

I do not think myself to be a smart enough man to be an Acarya. And at times I think the lessons here are a bit beyond me. That Acaryaji is pouring out so much insight and whatever else. And I just feel like it’s wasted because my cup isn’t big enough to catch it.

That maybe I should dumb it down or take a more “householder” approach. I feel like that’s why I stepped away.

But I’m coming to realize just how much joy I derive from this. And through talking with a lot of the people who I’ve recently been hired with, and the things that they are trying to overcome. And how this new job opportunity is enabling them a fresh start and just processing regrets.

This sort of thing has really internalized a very practical, functional sort of wisdom. I’m not Buddha. But for whatever reason people find me weirdly comforting and reassuring to talk to. And it’s because all this stuff made me that way honestly. Even if I’m a really bad story teller! And don’t get all the details or nuances right.

I guess if nothing else it makes me happy, and it’s brought a spark of hope to other people. And provided a safe little island for us to sort our situations out in.

I’m not self aware or insightful enough to make sense. But I felt it was still worth sharing because I doubt I’m the only one that’s done something similar. Do with it what you will.

I need to go catchup on the current Yoga Sutra course I enrolled in, now. I’m very very behind on my lectures. It’s kind of cool I can reasonably catch up and finish the same time as everyone else.