I worked through the lecture/Q&A for “Śakrādi Stava, Part 1” in the Victory of the Goddess course.

And in the Q&A there was an interesting question about finding your Ishta. Which was always a concept that didn’t quite sit right for me… At least how it popularly seems to be portrayed.

That somehow I was going to select a form of a deity, that resonated with me. And do upasana or whatever towards that form. And that’s fine… But I couldn’t begin to narrow that down. There’s a seemingly a half hundred forms of everything. The supremacy of which varies slightly depending on the context.

In my case, I innately have a rather fierce disposition. Almost the a point of it being disruptive. It serves its purposes at times… But it doesn’t lead to a fulfilling life on its own.

At the risk of being a massive oversimplification, I have tended to gravitate  away from fiercer forms. As if to say that’s the last thing I need more of… If we are looking at a triad of Maa Kali, Maa Saraswati, and Maa Lakshmi. I trend towards the latter two.

As a result I’ve had people suggest oh, perhaps Matangi or Kamalatmika would speak to me. And could be my Ishta. Ehhhh… Maybe.

But I’ve always had the sense there was like a Venn Diagram thing going on, where the boundaries between one form and another overlap. And as I listen to Acaryaji talk it’s becoming clear they blend far more than I considered.

What’s messed me up about picking one is: I don’t know what my options are for one. So could only make but so informed of a decision. And secondly I don’t really know what I want.

As I’ve grown as a person and got to know myself better. My desires have morphed. So Acaryaji’s point of saying your Istha whom ever you happen to like in the short term is a silly thing to do. (To poorly paraphrase something I heard said, hours ago now) Definitely feels correct.

That and just the domains of these forms overlap and intertwine so much. I started off with a strong liking to Lord Shiva, I’ve come to really love the Goddess in her many forms. But I also Ganapati, Krishna, and others. All also speak to me on their own ways.

So I don’t really get the compulsion to go out and pick one. When I don’t really know what I NEED. I know roughly where I’m going… But I don’t know all the details of the journey I’m taking to get there.

I’ve just found the explanation of all these things very fascinating honestly. And I can sort of see how these things don’t exist in isolation of one another… Like a personal goal/project of mine is to learn to play Classical Guitar. As in like a nylon string.

I’ve never done anything remotely like this before prior to this year, and while I’m certainly not good. At all. I’ve learned so much and it’s cultivating a part of me that hasn’t really been touched before I feel like.

But within that, I could very clumsily pick up the tinges of the triad of Maa Kali, Maa Saraswati, and Maa Lakshmi. Maa Saraswati and Lakshmi interwoven in the act of learning to play this instrument and the beauty that arises from that art form. But also Maa Kali, if for no other reason than my own disposition has been something very alien to this at various points in my life. And that didn’t go away, it’s just better integrated and not at odds with the other pieces. It actually serves me well at this point rather than undermine me. And it no doubt influences how I approach this instrument and the sorts of pieces I would like to ultimately play.

I’m no doubt certain, that I’m flirting with the outer edges of what all this really means in practice. In writing all this. But it’s been fascinating to think about over the course of this morning, since I watched those videos last night.

I guess my final takeaway, as of now is. I’m glad to have an upsurge of these sorts of energies in my life regardless of who they are best attributed to.